Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
