very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
