Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
