Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
