I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
