2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
