my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
