my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
