If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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