Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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