I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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