WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
