don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
