I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
