dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
