my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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