At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
