My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
