somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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