I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
