life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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