Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
