I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
