Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
