i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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