Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
