I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
