the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
