I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
