Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
