i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it