Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.