My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
