Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
