I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
