Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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