just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
