Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
