What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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