The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
