Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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