you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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