somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We left an ass print on the piano.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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