my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
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i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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