I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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