No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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