Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
