i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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