if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
