Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
