if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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