Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it's great music for shaving your balls
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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