We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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