3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
