I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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