Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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