I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
