guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
