Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
