I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
