He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
